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Friday, October 3, 2008

Celebrity Roundup

Kate Moss

Some foolio made a solid gold statue out of her. Fine... I guess. If that's your cup of tea, go on wit yo bad self. But.... I don't understand why he made her in this.... bizarre.... position. I mean... is it even physically possible to contort yourself like that? I realize we're talking about Cokate here, and she's a huge hobag, but this is a bit graphic, don't you think - at least as graphic as you could be while keeping her clothed. Somehow this trash is valued at $3million. Special. Her whole story is just... special. She's pretty, yet (other than Johnny Depp) she associates with these totally nasty guys (HELLO! Pete Doherty!!). She's this TOTAL mess with constant cocaine issues, and she usually looks old, busted and ridden when the paps find her. What a freakin waste.

Blind Item

Now... I hate blind items. Whoever writes them clearly knows who they're talking about. JUST TELL ME ALREADY! They're like these horrible guessing games that you never get the answer to. That being said, this one was painfully obvious. Some "young heartthrob" who can only be the one and only Zaquisha (hott nick name courtesy of Perez) works out like a fiend in the gym to keep hott body hott. He can't seem to control his eating, and he loves himself some fast food burgers (hey, who doesn't?). This has unfortunately led him down the road of bulimia, which has, among other sad side effects, caused some wicked bad breath. This is apparently straining his relationship. But hey, if we are talking about Zaquisha here, his "relationship" is really just a beard, so it can't be that strained, can it? I guess this could possibly be one of those gossip girls, too... although I've never seen pictures of them going to or from the gym, and there are abundant photos of Zaquisha engaged in that activity. Plus, he's obsessed with his looks, so all signs point to him. Too bad about the eating disorder. Homeslice needs to get that under control.

Brangelina

Another day, another adoption rumor. If all of these were true, they would be taking care of a brood of 42 rather than 6. This one has them looking at Namibia, where Shiloh was born. Other possibilities include Bolivia or Paraguay, so Angie can bring attention to all the orphans in Latin America. I'll believe this one when I see it.

Catherine Zeta Jones

I don't even know where to start with this. Someone was either out to get her, or she needs better gays. How could anyone let her out the door looking like this?! Awful awful awful make-up. NEXT.

Heath Ledger

His family has recently come out and said that they are donating all of his money to his daughter, Matilda. As it should be. The latest issue is with his life insurance company, who, in typical insurance company fashion, is fighting having to pay his $10million policy. They have decided to launch their own investigation, despite the po officially ruling his death accidental. Suicide would give them an out, and they seem intent on finding a way to get that out. The good news - they're calling on Mary Kate Olsen and her masseuse who found Heath dead. This could bring out some juicy details, however I don't think it will change the final outcome. His insurance company is apparently also upset because they feel he lied on his application, stating he was not taking any prescription drugs. This, however, is a non-issue, as concern would have had to be raised while he was still alive.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen

Rumor has it that they're going to skip off and get married, bypassing the whole engagement step. This would be the time to do this, since Tom has a shit ton of time off with his injury. I'm sure Bridget will love this.

Michael Phelps

I dunno who this is, but it's clearly not the hottness that is Michael Phelps. He got immortalized in wax, but the artist must have been blind. I realize his face is a little.... busted, but it looks NOTHING like this picture. And I think this thing's ears are about 20384234234 bigger than his. WTF, people? Plus, they're covering up the best part of him. Why why why would you cover up his awesome chest? He should be standing there in his hott swim pants and those eight gold medals, not covered up in some sweat shirt with someone elses face and ears on top of his neck. Speaking of Michael, he's been fairly MIA recently. He hasn't updated his facebook page in ages, which has severely halted my stalking of him. Sadness. Come out of hiding, Michael! I miss you and your hott ass body!

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