Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Long Overdue Celebrity Roundup

It's been a while, and I have 2083402394234234 stories stock piled... so here's the rundown!

Amy Winehouse and Tom Cruise

Tommy girl and the Scientology aliens have contacted Wino, stating they would like to help. Apparently, Xenu can cure all! They have a three part plan to fix her crack headed ways. Part 1 consists of vitamins. Part 2 is some kind of "detox diet" and some sort of special sauna thing. Part 3 is a series of Scientology self-help books. Some source told The Mirror “They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a program so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential center. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.” Too bad you have to sell your soul to the crazies to get any kind of help. Maybe you could just do the vitamins, detox diet, and saunas and then peace out before getting to the alien workbooks? Yeah, probably not. By that point, I'm sure they've reprogrammed your soul. On a side note, HOW GOOD DOES SHE LOOK IN THIS PICTURE?! She actually looks her age! So young and full of life. Let this be a lesson, yall - drugs are bad. BAD! They apparently can lead to Xenu, and nothing is worse than that.

Jennifer Aniston

Let me start off by saying I find Jennifer awfully sad these days. I feel she's rather desperate for attention. I was totally on team Aniston (and technically still am) after Brad left to be with that home wrecker of his, but every time Jennifer lands herself in the rags with some "new man" story (with all the accompanying "sources" that talk about how in loooooooove she is after 2 hrs), or, worse, stories like this one, I'm sure Angie privately smiles to herself. That being said, Jenny's recently been in the rags for various things. The story linked above talks about the obscene money she spends on her dog. Don't get my wrong - I love my dog more than anything, even though it's questionable if he deserves it or not. However, I think this story borders on the insane. She spends $350 a WEEK to give her dog Norman massages, Reiki (some kind of touch-oriented Japanese stress-reduction technique), and acupuncture to help him with aching joints and stiffness. $350 A WEEK. That's INSANE. And a clear indication she has way too much money on her hands. In other Jennifer news (not linked above), she's apparently freakishly tanorexic. Recently, her own personal tanning bed broke, SO SHE BOUGHT TWO to replace it. And, in today's news, she's apparently back with John Mayer. He's supposedly been sending her millions of sappy lovey text messages, and she finally succumbed and spent time with him in New York eating sushi at his place and going out to eat and whatnot. I'm sure in two days, the stories will be about them getting married and having kids, and two days after that, they'll be done. Because that's her track record recently.

Speaking of Angie and Brad...

At her recent movie premier, she was asked if they were done having kids. DUH. The answer was "no." On having 203820394234 kids, she said "We often try to have a bath alone together at the end of the night and sit and talk, but they hear the water and want to jump in. It's fun and it's lovely - the thing about having six kids is once you've passed three or four it's so crazy anyway that it's just more chaos and it's all OK." On the twins, she said "The twins are just the sweetest little things. They lay next to each other. They're starting to smile a lot. Knox looks like Brad and Vivienne looks more like me. They are developing interesting personalities. Knox seems more relaxed and Vivienne is more loud." In other news, they sure do move around a lot. In just the past week or so.... they dragged all of those kids from France to New York for Angie's premier, then to New Orleans for a hott five minutes, then back to their huge estate in France, THEN to a huge fortress in Berlin while Brad films his latest movie. How can all this moving be good for these kids? Some of them are school aged - remember allllllllllllll that hoopla when Maddox was enrolled at that ridic overpriced school with the even more ridic lunches in New York? Thank God they keep adding to the family - the kids won't have any friends outside of the clan with all the moving they do. I feel like, at this point, it's time to settle somewhere and give the kids a small taste of NORMALCY. I realize as part of the Brangelina clan, "normal" can't totally happen, but you can get somewhat close. But that's just my opinion.....

Halle Berry

Recently voted the sexiest woman alive (or something close to that) by Esquire, she's still with that hott model of hers and she told UsWeekly that they're trying to have another baby. This picture of her was taken at an Elle Magazine party, and I'm thinking she looks like she's been successful at getting herself knocked up again. I always hate to speculate on stuff like this - I mean, what if it was just an off night? or maybe it's that time of the month and she's a bit bloated. But it's hard to argue with this picture.... if so, congrats to them! I do wish they'd get married, but I guess I'm just a little old fashioned like that.

David Duchovny

Fox Moulder has been sprung from sex rehab! He was spotted out and about with that horrible wife of his about a week ago. I say she's horrible because I'm still upset that he married her rather than wait for me. I had such a thing for him back in the day.... but I digress....

Johnny Depp

First, let me start off by saying YUM. Ok.... moving on. Johnny is reportedly getting $55.8 million UPFRONT to come back as Capt. Jack Sparrow for part 4 of Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean movies. That's a shit ton of cash! And that's just the upfront payment - who knows how much he'll end up making when you factor in all the other shit that gets put into movie contracts. DAMN. This payment puts Johnny at the top of the leader board for upfront movie payments. The previous record holder was Tom Hanks, who got $50 million upfront for part 2 of the Da Vinci Code. Where have I been?! I thought the kings and queens of hollywood got $20 million a movie if they were super hott shit. Guess I'm living in the distant past. Congrats to Johnny for his huge ass payday.

Andy Roddick

Again, YUM. To help Elton John raise money to help those with AIDS in the South, this hott piece auctioned off the chance to get an hour-long private tennis lesson taught by him. During the auction, he upped the ante to an hour-long lesson in which he promised to take off his shirt. With the increase in bids, he then one upped that and stated he would teach the lesson NAKED. Some lady paid $15,000 for the opportunity to spend an hour with his sweaty, naked, hott ass self. Lucky bitch. THIS is why I need to win the lotto.

Jamie Lynn Spears

Ok. This story is getting on my nerves. IS SHE OR ISN'T SHE?! Make up your mind, people! Some "sources" say Jamie Lynn got herself knocked up again, just 3 months-ish after giving birth. Apparently she thought breast feeding was a contraceptive, so she didn't ask baby daddy Casey to wrap it up. Isn't this how Brit Brit had two kids so close together? You'd think she would have learned. You also think she would have learned after getting knocked up the first time. Her awesome mom is flipping out, and family members are pleading with her to get an abortion. Other "sources" state this isn't true and she's not preggo. Every day there seems to be a new "source" that contradicts what was said the day before. I guess we'll know in a few months, though. PS - hott skanky tshirt, Jamie Lynn! Good image for a teenaged mom.

Maureen McCormick

Perfect Marcia was a skeevy ho! Maureen wrote some kind of tell-all book delving into the sordid details of a troubled child star. Her book states she had 2 abortions, was addicted to coke and ludes, would knock boots for drugs, dated Steve Martin and Michael Jackson (!!!!), almost gave her V-card to her tv brother Barry Williams (that's almost gross), had drug binges at the Playboy Mansion, and battled bulima. Damn. That's like Wino and and a half! She dated MICHAEL JACKSON! I guess that was back before he was super creepy, but still! She blames all her issues on Syphilis. Yes, you read that right. On the Today Show, she said that her grandma died in a mental hospital from the Syph, and a week later her grandpa killed himself (sadness). After that, her mom got the Syph. Damn. Talk about a family of hos! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Jan must be thrilled.

Hef's New Hos

Yeah. I still think they're pretty fug. Here they are looking trashtastic at some fashion show. I get that they're young, blond, orange hos, and Hef has a thing for young, blond, oranges hos, but SERIOUSLY. I think Karissa and Kristina Shannon are a big step down for the mackdaddy Playboy pimp. He needs to move on already. NEXT.

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